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i didn't love you so you could fix me, though. i loved you because i wanted to be your umbrella. and i'm sorry that i was also your rain. /

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Monday, 22 June 2020 | 0 sticky note(s)

i became too familiar with this and it aint healthy.
i forgot how to ask for help
i forgot how to receive help
please dont make me hate myself more
Tuesday, 16 June 2020 | 0 sticky note(s)

I feel that walking has become another chore
I don't think I can go on walking anymore
Forgive me for those words, I know they're but a cliche to you
But life is tiring, my feet are feeling sore
I wish that i could have a bit of time to heal the ache that's growing stronger all the time 
But I know time stops for nobody, let alone me, so I go inevitably
Whenever things are going rather happily it turns out life is playing a trick on me
It's slightly shameful to admit the truth, I end up in tears, and so returns the same old melancholy
I miss when life was just simplicity and misery wasn't always chasing after me
It's pretty obvious now, I should have left my regret, but I held onto it so foolishly
Maybe I overreact a bitIt hasn't destroyed me yet, has it?But everything I desire is always just too far to get
Honestly, it's just me, brainlessly, so silly, always hoping for good to be
If that's the case, then just hear my plea
Pick me up, and drop me, into unfaltering sleep!
You say to look hard for a solution
But wouldn't that depend on the person?So I could never, no I could never, believe a word anyone says
I know that everyone has their hardships
It's fairly clear to me that I'm not alone
But, how is it that they can just leave them?
I just don't know at all
Often, I'm told I need to clean up my act
Although, maturity is something I lack
And so, when some simple little problems arise, I overthink them, over and over again
It seems like the world is just a troublesome place
Sometimes, I think that I should just end the pain
“You're sick, aren't you dear?"
I'm sick of the tears!
Why can't everything just end simply?
Everything I aspire to be is nothing that will become of me
If my expectations are too far-fetched, then just what am I to do?
Give a sign, give a sign, a reason not to die
Give me a chance to prove my worth
I constantly search for a place to cry
Why won't these tears just stop pouring from my eyes?
It's hard to constantly think of the same things
It's just unnecessary to think too much
You always told me stars would guide me back home
Although, they only show at night
You always showed me so much kindness
I don't deserve it, I have failed you too much
I think my tiny heart is going to split
Just leave it be for now
Step back from me...
Please leave me be...
This so deceitful road that I stumble on is never going to end
It's getting difficult to maneuver
And it's just worthless to try and run away
So I'll just hold my hands over my ears, and block out all this noise
How can I live not knowing what life is?
Sometimes my dreams seem to be more realistic
Obviously I can't be called "happy"Then what am I after all?

these are the lyrics of the song called "irony", an english cover by lizz.

and i have to say, it's pretty ironic that this song can put my feelings into words, makes me cry, and calms me down at the same time.

work from home is, honestly, too overwhelming for me to handle. i may not be an extrovert but i don't really find this 'home' of mine to be that comfortable either. not talking with someone my age face to face for more than 3 months has taken its toll on me. and i miss my solitude at my boarding house, or simply, my kost. it's where i found peace within myself. it's where i made peace with myself.

the more i stay within this room, this house, the more i lose myself.
things i usually find to be therapeutic have lost their meaning. drawing is different, watching movies feels different, and music doesn't really help either (except this song ofc). i feel so unmotivated.

work from home for me is just me, myself, and i, picking up my old self that was shattered across the anime that i've watched. i basically rewatch any anime that makes me a lil bit happy uwu it makes everything bearable for a while.

it's pretty pathetic but this is how i cope up with life. fiction is amazing, isn't it?

i'm still struggling to process everything that's happening. even talking about it doesn't help much (mind you, it usually does). for the first time in my life, i feel totally lost lmao

i know i'm being ungrateful and dramatic, but can you all please just hear my plea for once?
it's just so hard to explain. i know that i don't deserve to cry, but i need to.
i know i need to get back up myself in no time, but please?



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Thursday, 15 June 2017 | 0 sticky note(s)

first post in 2k17 woohoo!
im officially done with high school. bij yes.
exhausted? very, but the end pays off really well.. so no complaint :)

the first miracle happened guys.
when we got the result of our national exam, the teachers told me that i topped our grade, both science and social major. few weeks later, my friend gave me a list of top 10 highest scores for social national exam in my region(south tangerang). my name is at number 1.
im still shocked to this day, because man... i didnt expect that at aLL.

after the national exam, i still need to do a lot of shits to prepare myself to face the national uni entrance test. it was really hard. you studied, studied, and studied, but it just wasnt enough. so i did the test with a 'go big or go home' motto. and leave the rest of my effort to God.

the second miracle is,
i got accepted! 
happiness would be an understatement bcs one of my dreams is to help my parents. they throw hella lot of money for my education. they did tell me not to worry about it, but i do know that it was hard. i saw them struggling. and the fact that i went to a private high school didnt help at all.

i wanna say thanks to God, for blessing me with these amazing things. my parents and fam, for supporting me from the very beginning and having faith in me. my teachers, for helping me with informational stuff and supports, emotionally, cognitively. my besties, for being there for me anytime, anywhere, for being my anchor to keep me on the ground. and last but not least, as cheesy as this sounds, exo, for becoming my inspiration and support, and also my moodbooster anytime and every time when no one wasnt able to make me smile, for helping me cope up with my stress and insecurity.

so, yeah...  im more than happy:)
but i think, content, is a better word to describe how i feel right now.


"Lift your head to a higher place now.
The dawn will shine brighter than the sun."
—EXO; Cant Bring Me Down

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Friday, 30 December 2016 | 0 sticky note(s)

2016 is almost end woohoo! you and i have survived another year!

2016 was definitely better than 2015(at least for me). thank god. i lost 5 kgs lol

it was a wild ride but then i feel like 2016 is the calm before storm

honestly, from what i've learnt from these past years, i tell myself not to expect anything.
i mean, i expected things to go great, but then they weren't, and when i expected them to flop, they're excellent, so yeah. i stopped doing that.

i'd be lying if i told you that i lost hope. no. i do hope for stuff, for my future, and i do try to make them come true, but it's more like that i'm just going with the flow.

ok i honestly don't know how to explain it. like, ill just do my best and pray then wait for the result i guess..

2017 is my last year on high school. the road opened for me would be tough and hard. i'd fall a few times, but that's okay. i know i'll be smiling in the end because life is unfair, but they're not really that ugly.

there'll be a lot of sweat and tears, tho. i'll be separated from my best friends from high school and i'll be meeting a LOT of new people. socializing is just not for me, i feel tired thinking about it, ugh. let's just hope for the best.

i don't know what 2017 has on its pocket for me, but ready or not, here i come!

have a merry christmas and happy new year, folks !


"I'd rather bend than break."
—김종인

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Tuesday, 28 June 2016 | 0 sticky note(s)

i'm back with a new theme inspired by EXO's newest album, Ex'act Lucky One ver. c: 
imo Exodus>>>>Ex'act, but then it's EXO so i still love 'em.
(and yes, i did preorder Ex'act, also Lucky One ver., and it'll arrive in 2-3 days)

my 4th semester on high school is finished. my final scores on my report card are great. a lot better than my 3rd semester, actually. im proud of myself even with the amount of time i neglect my study for fanfics dammit. but i honestly thought that 4th semester was easier than the 3rd one but idk though. 

so now i'm here, in my room, enjoying my holiday, by opening 70 tabs of fic on my laptop and 100 tabs of fic on my phone. perfect.
plus, my school was generous enough to give its students a week more of holiday. yay.

so far so great.

until it hits me that this is my second last holiday in high school. time sure flies. that also means that a huge pile of exams is waiting in front of me. in other words, this holiday is calm before the storm. so might as well enjoy it until its last drop c;


UPDATE : i got pcy photocard and the bonus photocard from the fansite is also pcy lol


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Sunday, 28 February 2016 | 0 sticky note(s)

post dengan bahasa indonesia pertama gue karena otak gue terlalu males buat translet ke inggris.



kemarin, 27 Februari 2016, EXO dateng ke indo dan konser deket dengan sekolah gue. dan gue nonton EXOLUXION.
ini konser pertama gue dan sampe sekarang juga gue masih kebayang-bayang, kebawa mimpi bahkan, ga percaya gue ngeliat mereka secara live. emang lebay sih, tapi emang gitu lol
gue gabakalan cerita secara detil karena itu mungkin ngambil waktu 2 hari, tapi intinya :

  1. depan gue baekhyun, chanyeol, sehun itu yang paling sering lewat dan brenti (gue section blue btw)
  2. baekhyun itu member dengan durasi terlama ngadep ke arah gue, tapi persis saat memory hp gue full, jadi ga kerekam
  3. sedih yixing gadateng, tapi diakhir acara jongdae bilang 'nanti kami dateng lagi bareng yixing' you wiss tak pegang kata-katamu ya mz
  4. gakena air suci jongin:( tp seengganya bisa liat karena gue juga persis dibawahnya
  5. gue ngerekam playboy sekai high quality karena gue persis dibawahnya
  6. sempet ngerekam sehun jalannya aneh gitu patah-patah gajelas
  7. eye contact sama jongin dan kyungsoo
  8. jongin smirk dan twerking depan gue
  9. kyungsoo dada2 persis didepan gue 2 kali, yang pertama pas Machine, kedua gue lupa dan itu lama, awalnya ekspresi dia seperti biasa O_O trus senyum sesudahnya manis banget yawla 
  10. dengan begitu bias gue berganti dari sehun jadi jongin. plus kyungsoo.
  11. gue pingin liat mereka nyanyi wolf sama lightsaber tapi ternyata gaada :( tapi ada exodus, playboy, don't go, let out the beast sama el dorado jadi yaudahlah
  12. pas peterpan mereka depan banget lah gakeliatan padahal yang paling gue tungguin hiks
  13. gue sempet teriak 'JONGIN NIKAHIN GUE' dan gue minta maaf untuk siapapun yang di fancamnya kedengeran suara gue
  14. pas punggung gue pegel, trus tiba-tiba kyungsoo jalan ke depan gue mendadak sembuh:) halah
  15. best weekend of my life
mereka nafas, mereka idup, mereka jalan-jalan depan gue. mereka bukan lagi orang-orang yang cuma bisa gue liat dari depan layar. mereka ganteng banget gue sempet nangis pas pertama-kali jongin sama sehun jalan ke depan gue pas playboy. mereka ganteng banget.

thank you EXO <3

kayanya kalo taun depan mereka dateng gue bakal nonton lagi. ini sampe sekarang aja masih kebayang senyumnya kyungsoo jsdaubuskf




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Friday, 5 February 2016 | 0 sticky note(s)

aye! it's february already. time sure flies.
i can't say that january was a perfect month but at least i felt happier than before.
i don't wanna get my expectation up to the clouds, but i think 2016 will be a better year than 2015. harder. nastier. but still better.

oh, and don't expect much, my life is still full of "what?" and "what!" and "wtf?!?!"

also don't forget about all of those homeworks and exams. i have 2 big projects which ended in february and my group hasn't done anything yet yeay.

moving on, on the last entry i spoke about liking a real human being. 

not just an 'a' actually. quite a lot fyi. thanks to exo and yeay my mom allowed me to watch exoluxion 

since my laptop is currently having some issues, i don't really get into tumblr in a while. 
i started to read fanfictions again and stuff. things i have forgotten and lost interest in the past months. 

and i havent read any manga or watched anime for like... 2 months. the last manga i read was horimiya, probably early december. 

hmm..

i don't really have anything to say here tbh, i just wanna tell you that i survived until now hehe

***

P.S DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE REFERENCES I USED ON THIS BLOG, LIKE THE QUOTES, STICKY NOTE, DAISIES, MY BLOG TITLE, ETC BECAUSE IF YOU DO I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND LET'S CRY TOGETHER THANK YOU






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Thursday, 3 December 2015 | 0 sticky note(s)

i can't believe that 2k15 has come to an end. christmas is 22 days away.
2k15 is a really confusing year for me. it has ups and downs and both in the worst way possible.
aside from my major in high school, recently i began to like k-pop, not all of them yet, maybe?, but 2 extremely popular boy bands, exo and big bang, managed to have my attention, like, a lot.

an anime trash as well as a k-pop, well done with your life Dan.

tbh i still can't believe myself i get into k-pop hell. k-pop isn't new for me. one of my best friend talked about SHINee all the time when we were in the junior high. im just like, meh. im not being a butthurt anti k-pop or anything, but at that time it was just not my cup of tea. i enjoyed some of their songs, and yeah they're all hot, but ive never expected that i'd like them.

my attachment to k-pop is not that acute yet, but i can feel that i'm drifting away from my old self, which was full of anime. ..ok, that sounds lame, but istg i feel that way. i still watch Haikyuu!!, OPM, Noragami, etc, but.. idk, the excitement's gone. i didn't adore my fave characters as much as before. it feels.. normal?

being alive for 17 years, tbh this is my first time to idolize a real human being, not a fictional character. Sehun, T.O.P, and Taehyung are the real problems here do you feel me, it feels .. idk, fascinating?? like, your favorite person is there, in the other side of the world, alive, being handsome and shit.

it's not that i do not enjoy liking that new thing or something, but something in me says that i shouldn't like it. but curiosity killed the cat and i still enjoy it.

but it's just too sudden, and idk, im not ready??  tbh i feel kinda sad. things that i used to love before, slowly become something that's just.. normal, not that important anymore.

i kinda realized how much things have changed since i entered high school. drastically changed. 90% of entries in my old blog talked about that. im always scared of change. it's not that i reject all changes, things around me changing. my family, friends, environments, etc etc. nothing lasts forever. and i changed. i am changing. and i will change. i have to change. however, i just.. do it. it feels really scary to experience. scary yet fascinating. but still scary.

i think im just scared if someday, i can't even recognize myself.

if i remember it correctly, i wrote something about 'i'd still like anime cause that's a way for me to recognize myself.' but then things changed.

i feel stupid for rambling about this but seriously,
being a teenager is scary.

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Thursday, 22 October 2015 | 0 sticky note(s)

2 months without news, and im back from the dead.
hell yeah.

anyway, a lot has happened within these 2 months.
i got new friend(s) (obviously) from my new class. two of them become one of my closest friend. though i have to admit i had never really thought that they were the type of girls that i'd become friends with at first.
the first one is a friend back from when i was a 10th grader. she's a nice and funny and kind. she's so good at dancing omg. the second one is a friend from different class last year. i knew her from the student council but i'm not that close to her and we rarely talk. and then i found out that she has a lot of funny reactions to every thing. she's also very friendly.
and to put it shorter, i can say that i like this class. even with the dramas which make me wanna puke but meh.

and when i finally feel that i like the new 'me' better, at the end of september, i went to jatiluhur to do some outward bound things like hiking, canoeing, etc. it was awesome. i dont wanna do it anymore though. i love my laptop thank you. but the thing is, i can't move my right arm perfectly like i used to. i went to the doctor and they said that i got an inflammation on my right shoulder muscle or something. it seems to be damaged but not that bad.

not that bad, but i can't even grip my pen for heaven's sake. it's a very devastating month for me. at the first week i can't even write or grip any fcking thing. my right hand felt absolutely numb. i went to therapy and it got better. but i still can't write smoothly. until now. i'm 60% right-handed. i can use my left hand for eating using spoon or even chopsticks but i cant write with that. and the worst part is i can't draw. every time i try to make a little doodle i cant get it well enough because im not 100% in control with my right hand. my writing's readable but it still looks awful. i cant even draw a single straight line. it'll go curly. it feels like i temporarily lose my talent to draw. and it really stresses me out.

i tried to use my left hand, i can write pretty good with that but it took too much time in an exam, but when i write with my right hand, i really wanna tear my paper.

it feels like i lose my ability to do things that i love. i feel useless tbh.

and i'm 17 now. on oct 12th to be exact. im happy, of course. i usually draw something for myself on my birthday. as miserable as it sounds lol. i'd draw something nice(imo), something that makes me glad and proud to have the ability. and i cant do it this year.

when will this be over ? it's been a month already. im exhausted.

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Friday, 7 August 2015 | 0 sticky note(s)

okayy..
heyy folks

i decided to move here, because:
1. i feel like shit reading my recent posts
2. i feel like shit reading my old post
3. i feel like shit reading my old self.

like the title of this blog which is actually from a vocaloid song, i wanna try a new fresh start.

i'm just proud to say that i'm currently happy with myself. 
well not 100%, but not as bad as last year. 

and tbh i've never been so happy to go to school these days as cliche as it sounds. well i believe i haven't gotten the hellish part yet, but i do enjoy my school. i still prefer my old class, but i'm fine with this.

i won't delete galatines but i'm 1000% sure won't update it anymore.
.
.

and if you're wondering, no. i haven't graduated from my weeb phase, which is both great and horrible. 

and i actually had this url for 3 years. i've used it for my junior high school project, but i've never touched it since then. also, i have to say that i really like terrarium. like, a lot. it looks so pleasant on sight.

anyway, this is only a temporary theme. i'm gonna edit the pages and make a new theme for this if i have time later, until then, Tschüss.
.
.
.
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N.B i'm only here to announce this. i'm still on hiatus.

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