i became too familiar with this and it aint healthy.
i forgot how to ask for help
i forgot how to receive help
please dont make me hate myself more

I feel that walking has become another chore
I don't think I can go on walking anymore
Forgive me for those words, I know they're but a cliche to you
But life is tiring, my feet are feeling sore

I wish that i could have a bit of time to heal the ache that's growing stronger all the time 
But I know time stops for nobody, let alone me, so I go inevitably

Whenever things are going rather happily it turns out life is playing a trick on me
It's slightly shameful to admit the truth, I end up in tears, and so returns the same old melancholy

I miss when life was just simplicity and misery wasn't always chasing after me
It's pretty obvious now, I should have left my regret, but I held onto it so foolishly

Maybe I overreact a bitIt hasn't destroyed me yet, has it?But everything I desire is always just too far to get
Honestly, it's just me, brainlessly, so silly, always hoping for good to be
If that's the case, then just hear my plea
Pick me up, and drop me, into unfaltering sleep!

You say to look hard for a solution
But wouldn't that depend on the person?So I could never, no I could never, believe a word anyone says
I know that everyone has their hardships
It's fairly clear to me that I'm not alone
But, how is it that they can just leave them?
I just don't know at all

Often, I'm told I need to clean up my act
Although, maturity is something I lack
And so, when some simple little problems arise, I overthink them, over and over again

It seems like the world is just a troublesome place
Sometimes, I think that I should just end the pain
“You're sick, aren't you dear?"
I'm sick of the tears!
Why can't everything just end simply?

Everything I aspire to be is nothing that will become of me
If my expectations are too far-fetched, then just what am I to do?
Give a sign, give a sign, a reason not to die
Give me a chance to prove my worth
I constantly search for a place to cry
Why won't these tears just stop pouring from my eyes?

It's hard to constantly think of the same things
It's just unnecessary to think too much
You always told me stars would guide me back home
Although, they only show at night

You always showed me so much kindness
I don't deserve it, I have failed you too much
I think my tiny heart is going to split
Just leave it be for now

Step back from me...
Please leave me be...
This so deceitful road that I stumble on is never going to end

It's getting difficult to maneuver
And it's just worthless to try and run away
So I'll just hold my hands over my ears, and block out all this noise

How can I live not knowing what life is?
Sometimes my dreams seem to be more realistic
Obviously I can't be called "happy"Then what am I after all?

these are the lyrics of the song called "irony", an english cover by lizz.

and i have to say, it's pretty ironic that this song can put my feelings into words, makes me cry, and calms me down at the same time.

work from home is, honestly, too overwhelming for me to handle. i may not be an extrovert but i don't really find this 'home' of mine to be that comfortable either. not talking with someone my age face to face for more than 3 months has taken its toll on me. and i miss my solitude at my boarding house, or simply, my kost. it's where i found peace within myself. it's where i made peace with myself.

the more i stay within this room, this house, the more i lose myself.
things i usually find to be therapeutic have lost their meaning. drawing is different, watching movies feels different, and music doesn't really help either (except this song ofc). i feel so unmotivated.

work from home for me is just me, myself, and i, picking up my old self that was shattered across the anime that i've watched. i basically rewatch any anime that makes me a lil bit happy uwu it makes everything bearable for a while.

it's pretty pathetic but this is how i cope up with life. fiction is amazing, isn't it?

i'm still struggling to process everything that's happening. even talking about it doesn't help much (mind you, it usually does). for the first time in my life, i feel totally lost lmao

i know i'm being ungrateful and dramatic, but can you all please just hear my plea for once?
it's just so hard to explain. i know that i don't deserve to cry, but i need to.
i know i need to get back up myself in no time, but please?

Labels: me

first post in 2k17 woohoo!
im officially done with high school. bij yes.
exhausted? very, but the end pays off really well.. so no complaint :)

the first miracle happened guys.
when we got the result of our national exam, the teachers told me that i topped our grade, both science and social major. few weeks later, my friend gave me a list of top 10 highest scores for social national exam in my region(south tangerang). my name is at number 1.
im still shocked to this day, because man... i didnt expect that at aLL.

after the national exam, i still need to do a lot of shits to prepare myself to face the national uni entrance test. it was really hard. you studied, studied, and studied, but it just wasnt enough. so i did the test with a 'go big or go home' motto. and leave the rest of my effort to God.

the second miracle is,
i got accepted! 
happiness would be an understatement bcs one of my dreams is to help my parents. they throw hella lot of money for my education. they did tell me not to worry about it, but i do know that it was hard. i saw them struggling. and the fact that i went to a private high school didnt help at all.

i wanna say thanks to God, for blessing me with these amazing things. my parents and fam, for supporting me from the very beginning and having faith in me. my teachers, for helping me with informational stuff and supports, emotionally, cognitively. my besties, for being there for me anytime, anywhere, for being my anchor to keep me on the ground. and last but not least, as cheesy as this sounds, exo, for becoming my inspiration and support, and also my moodbooster anytime and every time when no one wasnt able to make me smile, for helping me cope up with my stress and insecurity.

so, yeah...  im more than happy:)
but i think, content, is a better word to describe how i feel right now.

"Lift your head to a higher place now.
The dawn will shine brighter than the sun."

—EXO; Cant Bring Me Down

Labels: me